Follow me on twitter @ClaytonTrutor for the correct picks to every important college game and for incisive commentary on all other aspects of the human experience.
You are welcome for the Miami pick. My apologies for most of the others.
Last Week: 6-7
Season to Date: 81-53
- Cincinnati (5-3) at #18 Houston (8-0): My Lord, do I love the UC Bearcat Marching Band. They are among the finest in the land. What the world needs now is a little more pomp and circumstance. The only way that Ethan Hawke and his Legion of Moodiness can be defeated is by supporting the UC Bearcat Marching Band. On November 14th, be there early for Senior Night against Tulsa. Be there for the 4 PM Bearcat Walk. Be there for the pregame concert. Be there for the post-game alma mater, right after we have defeated Tulsa by dozens of points. It is perfectly alright to get a little misty during the postgame alma mater. All things in their proper place. But none of this perpetually prickly and dreary Ethan Hawke stuff. Ethan Hawke hates our freedom.
Final Score: Cincinnati 45, Houston 42
The Rest of the AAC:
- #23 Temple (7-1) at SMU (1-7): Last Saturday night, Matt Rhule earned himself a multi-million dollar severance package from whatever major program fires him about three years from now.
Final Score: SMU 35, Temple 31
- UCF (0-9) at Tulsa (4-4): Tulsa's nationally-renowned home-field advantage will be muted in their contest with UCF this week. The 6 PM kickoff time conflicts directly with the annual ham supper at the Methodist Church in nearby Owasso. Despite poor projected attendance, Tulsa will be able to overcome the mighty Knights this time.
Final Score: Tulsa 49, UCF 0
- UConn (4-5) at Tulane (2-6): My brother had to fly to Hartford the other week. He is what they call a "foodie." He tried a local establishment on Hale Road known as "TGI Friday's." The locals recommended a time-tested favorite, the Jack Daniels-glazed steak-quesadilla poppers. This rustic offering's simultaneous simplicity and elegance is difficult to describe in a football pick ‘em column. It also beats the microwaveable-version of it they sell at the Kroger's. The bartender, who purported to be "former future Vice President Lieberman," game him a couple of tips. The first was on this nag that didn't show at Saratoga. The second was "measure once, cut twice."
Final Score: UConn 43, Tulane 33
- Navy (6-1) at #15 Memphis (8-0): If the US ever needed to invade Belgium by sea, I think it would require an amphibious force of about 1500 Cap Bosos and limited naval air support. Twenty-four hours after the first Boso touches Belgian soil, Brussels will be ours.
Final Score: Navy 38, Memphis 27
- USF (4-4) at East Carolina (4-5): Greenville, NC's own Stu has given up on "Pump Up the Jam." His new favorite song is Suzanne Vega's "Tom's Diner." He forces all of the wait-staff at the establishments he manages to walk around singing "stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu" whenever they aren't speaking directly to a customer. Stu has once again rebranded the Greenville Applebee's. Now, it's known as "re-Stu-rant." It may not have a definite article, but it does have modern American artisanal fare, small plates of the farm-to-table variety, and hand-crafted libations, all in a gastro-pub setting.
Final Score: ECU 27, USF 20
The Rest of the Country
- #17 FSU at #3 Clemson: If a horsey in Saratoga needs to get to Buffalo, can he run on the New York Thruway? Where does he put his EZ-Pass? Do they sell salt-licks at Villa Pizza?
Final Score: Clemson 45, FSU 4
- #5 TCU (8-0) at #12 Oklahoma State (8-0): (The War to Settle the Score Outdoors: the Rock and Rasslin' Connection: The Big Daddy of Some of ‘Em: The Civil Conflict for the Sheetz Trophy Cup: The All for a $50 Gift Certificate to "Sheetz: America's diner, boutique, sommelier, home care garden center place, and gluten-free planetarium" Bowl: Are you Ready for An Amount of Football to Be Determined Later Tonight, Alright?: "Don't Be Sad. We're Getting a 49 cent Creemee at Burger King After Linda's Softball Team Loses for the Umpeenth Time All the Way up Here in St. Albans" Bowl) Cowboys roll.
Final: Oklahoma State 7, TCU 3
- #4 LSU (7-0) at #7 Alabama (7-1): As reported here, Nick Saban is a Skeletons in the Closet Deadhead. Les Miles also follows his favorite band around the country in the fashion of the Grateful Dead. His favorite band isn't the Dead though. He is a Silverchair man. He's got over 350 of their shows on Maxell tapes. He's quick to point out that he's been to over 500 shows though. He can't be bound to the taper's circle ever night. Sometimes, he's just got to let loose and turn on his love light. Every summer, Les Miles follows Daniel Johns and company around the country in a VW Microbus that bears a Frogstomp bumper sticker. He does spoken word recitations of the lyrics to "Anthem for the Year 2000" in college town coffee shops across the country. He makes ends meet in the off-season by selling veggie burgers and bean burritos in the parking lot at shows. He hates how commercial it's gotten in recent years. I mean, some of the people in the parking lot, they aren't family any more. They don't make their Neon Ballroom t-shirts in the bath tub with homemade dyes. I mean, some people are selling mass-produced Silverchair shirts for thirty bucks. They're a bunch of Tourists, man. These college kids that want to be a part of something, but they don't realize that these parking lots. They talk. They speak through us. And speak for us. They are our homes. Our homes on the road. I mean, if you're like Les Miles, this has been a long, strange trip with Silverchair, ever since they started pretending to be Pearl Jam in the mid 1990s. But once you've seen a show for yourself. Not on anything, but just letting the vibes take you where they do. You become something bigger than yourself. You feel the music. It's this one love. This one heart that we all become a part of. You feel it pulsate through all that you've ever been and anything that is possible: Yes, Les, we will make it up to you in the year 2000. Build it up for you in the year 2000.
Final Score: Alabama 22, LSU 6
- Army (2-6) at Air Force (5-3): (The Land-Air Strategy Bowl) Massive Retaliation beats Containment every time.
Final Score: Air Force 38, Army 17
As should be obvious but apparently is not, this column is a parody and not intended to be taken seriously. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.