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Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Week 12: The Zerbert Edition

Sha Sha Shooby Doo.

NCAA Football: Wake Forest at Louisville Jamie Rhodes-USA TODAY Sports

Turns out UCF is a pretty decent team. Former Jets safety and Nebraska quarterback Scott Frost is doing a great job there.

Last Week: 8-8

Season to Date: 100-76

Our Game

Memphis (6-4) at Cincinnati (4-6): The Bearcats are going to show a little Senior Night pride. Memphis is porous against the run and the Bearcats will exploit this weakness. The skies still tell me that Cincinnati is going bowling.

Final Score: Cincinnati 30 Memphis 22

The Rest of the AAC

UConn (3-7) at Boston College (4-6): BC beats UConn, BC beats Wake Forest, BC gets a bid to the Bowl, so does Indiana, BC beats Indiana, goes 7-6 and saves Steve Addazio’s job, Addazio gives Bob Diaco a call during the off-season, hires him as a defensive assistant, Diaco swallows his pride, takes a job as an assistant at the school he turned down as head coach four years ago.

Final Score: Boston College 14 UConn 7

No. 5 Louisville (9-1) at Houston (8-2): Greg Ward Jr. is going to put himself back into the Heisman conversation with a cartoonishly good performance against Louisville and Heisman favorite Lamar Jackson, who merits all of the praise he is receiving. These two quarterbacks will combine for more than 1,000 yards of total offense, but the heavens tell me that Houston is going to surprise the world once again, winning this one in a memorable shootout.

Final Score: Houston 56 Louisville 52 UPSET OF THE WEEK

Temple (7-3) at Tulane (3-7): “Uncle John Sedgwick told me that a belly raspberry is better known as a Zerbert in the Union Army. He told me that Stonewall Jackson once demanded a dozen hardboiled eggs from a farmer in Fredericksburg, Virginia. Upon delivery of the eggs, Jackson paid the man in zerberts.” – Guy I sat next to at the Orange Julius in the basement of Philadelphia’s Center City Mall circa 2005. Two minutes later, he started blowing up balloons and yelled at me “Can we get some privacy over here” when I noticed.

Final Score: Tulane 44 Temple 0 EXPECTED RESULT OF THE WEEK

Navy (7-2) at East Carolina (3-7): The Closer magazine that I read last week reports that Carla Hall, one of the co-hosts of cooking show The Chew, enjoys trying different foods.

Final Score: Navy 33 East Carolina 17

USF (8-2) at SMU (5-5): Speaking of Texas, Dr. Phil is a confessed workaholic. There were times in the early 1990s when his career was going like gangbusters, but “I was letting days turn into weeks, months and years without clarity about what I wanted to do,” he told Closer magazine. Also, Dr. Phil is a grandfather and his grandchildren enjoy going swimming. “They love to swim, so they are always in the pool,” a source close to the McGraw clan reports.

Final Score: SMU 41 USF 20

Tulsa (7-3) at UCF (6-4): Instead of watching this game, I suggest that you listen to Stereo-Total’s album Do the Bambi. It is danceable, lo-fi French and German pop music that comes off like a coquetteish Deerhoof or possibly the Rapture with a sense of humor. The album has a pair of great covers, "Orange Mecanique (The Theme to Clockwork Orange)” and "Chelsea Girls."

Final Score: UCF 22 Tulsa 20

The Rest of the Country

No. 20 Washington State (8-2) at No. 12 Colorado (8-2): Alec Baldwin is a doting father of three children under the age of three. He says being a later-in-life Dad is a challenge but one that he is embracing. Closer quotes him as saying “All I care about now is my wife and my kids.”

Final Score: Washington State 49 Colorado 40

Indiana (5-5) at No. 4 Michigan (9-1): Forget about Indiana. Forget about Michigan. As far as I’m concerned, the 4-7 Indiana State Sycamores should be in the driver’s seat for a College Football Playoff bid. Larry Bird’s alma mater beat Illinois State. Illinois State beat South Dakota State. South Dakota State beat North Dakota State. North Dakota State beat Iowa. And Iowa beat America’s Sweethearts. At the very least, Indiana State should receive an automatic bid to the Big Ten Championship Game.

Final Score: Michigan 30 Indiana 13

New Mexico (7-3) at Colorado State (5-5): Former Ottawa Roughridgers coach Steve Goldman was a Colorado State man. He served as an assistant coach with a half-dozen CFL teams before landing the head coaching job in Ottawa. He gives great zerberts, he loves Bruce Springsteen’s verse in “We are the World” and he taught both Dieter Brock and Damon Allen the Canadian game. That doesn’t matter though. Soon-to-be Coach of the Year Bob Davie has got this Lobos team rearing to go down the stretch.

Final Score: New Mexico 41 Colorado State 17

UMass (2-8) at BYU (6-4): Former Calgary Stampeders offensive tackle Lloyd Fairbanks was a Brigham Young man. He is in the top five all-time in games played in CFL history and he enjoys both giving and receiving zerberts.

Final Score: BYU 31 UMass 10

Arizona (2-8) at Oregon State (2-8): Former Ottawa Roughrider offensive guard Gerald Roper weighs 275 pounds. He is a University of Arizona man and he is the president of a travel agency in Vancouver. That also happens to be his hometown as well as that of Dick Tracy villain Pruneface.

Final Score: Oregon State 49 Arizona 35

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor