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Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Week 13: The Rivalry Week Except for Us Edition

Jessica Fletcher, Gus Malzahn, Eric Carmen, and the original cast of Hart to Hart. Now that’s a hot tub I’d like to audition for!

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NCAA Football: Ohio State at Michigan Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports

Thanks to the Houston Cougars for making me look good last Thursday. Thanks to all of their fine fans for patronizing our website last week.

Not the greatest week for us and I wasn’t so hot with the picks myself, but that one upset made me look respectable.

This final week of the college football regular season is chalked full of rivalries. The tea leaves tell me that there will be plenty of surprises on Thanksgiving, Black Friday and the day after Black Friday.

Last Week: 8-8

Season to Date: 108-84

Our Game

Cincinnati (4-7) at Tulsa (8-3): Quarterback Dane Evans has had a fine career at Tulsa. A classic drop back passer, Evans makes consistently good decisions. He has stayed healthy throughout his three years as a starter. Evans’ steady play and the emergence of James Flanders as a top flight tailback has helped transform the Golden Hurricane into an AAC contender. With some time, love and tenderness, I think Hayden Moore is going to develop into a quarterback of this quality for the Bearcats. The pride I envisioned Cincinnati displaying last week never showed up. But fear not. We have more students than they do. Tulsa has the smallest student population of any school in Division I.

Final Score: Cincinnati 33,561 Tulsa: 3,174

The Rest of the AAC

Houston (9-2) at Memphis (7-4): As we saw last week, Memphis is a highly skilled team. Its defense, particularly the ballhawk-laden secondary, was far better than I anticipated. I expect Memphis to keep this one close, but the Cougars will add a 10th win to their resume this Friday. Their ferocious defensive line will be too much for a Memphis team that had trouble putting together sustained drives against the Bearcats’ comparably porous defense.

Final Score: Houston 27 Memphis 24

UCF (6-5) at USF (9-2): Knights head coach Scott Frost is going to enroll in spring classes at UCF this week, making him eligible for Saturday’s game against USF in my imaginary universe where Kobe Bryant holds the intercontinental championship and lives in a helicopter named Seven. Frost is going to play both ways: at his college position of quarterback and his NFL position of safety. He is going to throw for 300, run for 200 make 100 tackles and have zero interceptions, good for 700 points in skeeball and five prize tickets. Frost, for your information, Mom, is saving up his tickets toward a nerf turbo football.

Final Score: UCF 33 USF 17

Navy (8-3) at SMU (5-6): There is no better place to watch an SMU football game than Milo Butterfingers, a Dallas institution since 1974. Milo has five dollar domestic pitchers on SMU gamedays and five dollar fiesta nacho specials after 4 p.m. In you find yourself in University Park, head on over after SMU gives the Naval Academy what for next Saturday afternoon.

Final Score: SMU 35 Navy 20

Tulane (3-8) at UConn (3-8): I hope Diaco wears something cute for his last game as a head coach.

Final Score: Tulane 38 UConn 0

East Carolina (3-8) at Temple (8-3): Philadelphians pronounce the word “crayon” like “crown” and the name of their hometown as “Fluffia” and someone who butts into other people’s business as “newsey.” I’ve never been to East Carolina so I have no idea how pirates talk.

Final Score: Temple 22 East Carolina 10

The Rest of the Country

No. 6 Washington (10-1) at No. 22 Washington State (8-3):

6 a.m., Day after Christmas.

Mike Leach: Paul Sorvino thinks of himself as a Renaissance Man. In addition to his many tough guy roles, he is an accomplished author, sculptor, painter, poet and opera singer.

Paul Sorvino: (throws some clothes on in the dark.) Xena star Lucy Lawless had lifeless locks until she started using Thicker Fuller Hair Instantly Thick Serum, which can be purchased at Target for around $6.

ML: Fiber is almost magical as a solution for constipation.

PS: One look at you and I can’t disguise that I’ve got hungry eyes. Fiber, as you were saying, can curb your appetite like nobody’s business.

ML: I can’t wait to see the episode of Hart to Hart that Cozi TV showed last Monday at 9 p.m. In this episode, Max’s nephew is one of the top players for Westcliff College’s basketball team. During a key game, campus security follows up on a tip and finds two kilos of cocaine in his locker. Max contacts the Harts and they go undercover at the college.

PS: Mom and Dad went down to Charlotte.

ML: I feel the magic between you and I.

Final Score: Washington State 35 Washington 31 UPSET OF THE WEEK

Minnesota (8-3) at No. 7 Wisconsin (9-2): Goldie is sick and tired of losing to Wisconsin. The streak is currently at 12 games. That streak ends on Saturday. Minnesota is going to beat Wisconsin just like the time the cast of MASH finally won the Korean War in 1983.

Final Score: Minnesota 20 Wisconsin 17

No. 3 Michigan (10-1) at No. 2 Ohio State (10-1): “Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.” – is the funniest automated email response of all time according to the November 2016 issue of Reader’s Digest I read from cover to cover while waiting at the dentist’s office yesterday.

Final Score: Michigan 17 Ohio State 14

Georgia Tech (7-4) at Georgia (7-4): “Two books I am looking forward to this fall are Danielle Steel’s The Award which tells the story of the death-defying, lustful life and times of Iggy Pop and his seminal punk band the Stooges. The other one is Jonathan Livingston Seagull” – Uga X.

Final Score: Georgia 27 Georgia Tech 20

No. 15 Auburn (8-3) at No. 1 Alabama (11-0): Closer Magazine reports that David Letterman favors renewable energy. Auburn coach Gus Malzahn was not asked his opinion on the issue. I emailed him to ask him about his views, but got this automated reply: “I can’t wait to see Murder, She Wrote last Saturday night at 10 p.m. on Cozi TV. In this exciting episode, Jessica Fletcher becomes the first woman to speak at a function at an all-male club. Then a member is murdered.”

Final Score: Alabama 35 Auburn 7

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor