Far fewer people will be watching the Belmont Stakes this year.
Nyquist is not American Pharoah. There will be no Triple Crown winner in 2016. Gun Runner is going to win at Pimlico.
Nyquist won't even be in the money.
How do I know this? I was chatting with Gun Runner last Sunday, the only horse in the Kentucky Derby that can talk. I picked Gun Runner to place in the Derby, but, alas, he finished in third for the show. Gun Runner was a little bit sore about this. The track was a bit wetter than he liked. Weather reports indicate that Baltimore will be dry for Saturday's race.
Gun Runner told me that Nyquist will lose the Preakness. Nyquist is all caught up in the mood of the new Radiohead record and won't have himself emotionally ready to run by May 21st. Gun Runner is predicting that he will win the Preakness and I have no reason to doubt him.
WIN: Gun Runner. This loquacious Virgil-owned horse is oozing with confidence. He is planning to use M.A.R.R.S.' "Pump up the Volume" as his entrance music in an effort to intimidate the other horses. I think it will work.
PLACE: Cherry Wine. Cherry Wine did not run in the Kentucky Derby. He partied too much in the week leading up to the event and was forced to drop out. Gun Runner spotted him at 4 AM on Derby Day competing against My Man Sam in a rooftop danceoff on the Jeffersonville, Indiana Motel 6. Cherry Wine won two out of three falls, defeating My Man Sam on the Real McCoy's "Another Night" and Snap's "Rhythm is a Dancer." My Man Sam defeated Cherry Wine only on La Bouche's "Be My Lover," which Cherry Wine said is "old fashioned anyway."
SHOW: Mor Spirit. "That's a really clever name. I think Mor Spirit is going to finish in third place," Gun Runner said of the Quad City DJ's-owned horse.
As always, this is a parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on twitter: @claytontrutor