Down the Drive has asked me to assess the handsomeness of the baseball players in the AAC. (Editor’s note: Didn’t ask for this.) This was a great idea. (Editor’s note: It wasn’t.) I am the perfect fella for the job. (Editor’s note: I guess?) Recall that I wrote a marvelous column last summer which ranked the handsomeness of all 128 FBS football coaches. (Editor’s note: That’s true.) It was a popular and a critical success that has earned me the esteem of millions. (Editor’s note: Millions?)
This column will also draw rave reviews from the masses, due not only to the tone, color and texture of its prose but also to its broadly accessible subject matter. Who doesn’t have an opinion about the handsomeness of the fellas participating in a non-revenue sport in a conference without any geographical or historical continuity?
Without any further delays, here is your 2017 All-AAC All-Handsome Baseball Team
First Baseman: Bryant Packard, East Carolina: Has that Mid-Atlantic patrician look that would serve him well at a Charlottesville tailgate party, as the male lead in Whit Stillman’s Metropolitan or on the front of the ten-dollar bill.
Second Baseman: Sal Gozzo, Tulane: This Wallingford, Connecticut native has a Diacoesque chisel and swagger that must fall with the nutmeg seeds that gave this New England state its nickname. Note that UConn is the only AAC baseball club without a player on the All-Handsome team. Ever since the Huskies fired Bob Diaco, it appears that the Storrs, Connecticut school has declared war on handsomeness.
Shortstop: Coco Montes, USF, Sophomore: a doe-eyed and sinewy middle infielder who comes off like a more virile version of Freddie Prinze, Jr.
Third Baseman: Connor McVey, Cincinnati: A million dollar smile armed with the ruddiest cheeks in Hamilton County.
Outfield: Landon Etzel, Houston: Strong chin. Head of hair as thick and mysterious as the Amazon.
Outfield: Colton Neel, Memphis: More Dennis Quaid than Dennis Quaid. If a genie granted me three wishes, one of them would be to finance a remake of Everybody’s All American and cast Colton Neel as “The Grey Ghost.”
Outfield: Austin Murphy, UCF: The next time there is a blackout on the East Coast, the roads from the UCF campus in Orlando to Murphy’s hometown in Jacksonville could be lit up by his sunny smile.
Right-Handed Pitcher: Chris Oakley, Tulane: The pride of Egg Harbor, New Jersey, Chris Oakley is a smirking handsome devil who would fit right in at a Baldwin family reunion.
Left-Handed Pitcher: Noah Yager, USF: There is no way that Noah Yager isn’t related to Dennis Eckersley. If Yager grows a mustache, it will be impossible to tell the two pitchers apart.
Head Coach, Greg Lovelady, UCF: The perfect companion for the ladies that graced the covers of Roxy Music’s albums.
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor
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