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Clayton Picks all the Week 3 College Football Games Correctly: The Wrestlemania III Edition

3 and 0 Bearcats! 3 and 0!

NCAA Football: Temple at Cincinnati Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

We just keep winning. Get on the bandwagon, America!

Last Week: 12-5

Season to Date: 26-10

Our Game

Alabama A&M (1-1) at Cincinnati (2-0)

The Bulldogs might as well not even get off the bus. Luke Fickell is a big Clay Aiken fan. He’s going to run it up in this one as revenge for Aiken’s defeat at the hands of A&M alum Ruben Studdard in Season 2 of American Idol.

Final Score: Cincinnati 49 Alabama A&M 0

Texas Tech v Houston Photo by Thomas B. Shea/Getty Images

The Rest of the AAC

Georgia State (1-1) at Memphis (1-1)

This is the story of an extremely obese, rather immature, yet very bright and talented young man. When accused of a major crime years ago, he went on the run. Now that he has been exonerated of the crime, he has trouble making amends with the wife and son he abandoned. This obese, young non-criminal made friends with “The Raccoons,” Bert, Melissa and Ralph Raccoon, whose home was stolen when Tommy and Julie cut it down for their Christmas tree.

Eventually, the Raccoons discover that Cyril Sneer is the mastermind behind the deforestation of Evergreen Forest and they confront him and his son, Cedric, who eventually relents. In a dream sequence, the Raccoons appear to Tommy and Julie, and they begin to realize that they’ve done wrong in cutting down Bert, Melissa and Ralph’s home. They rectify the situation with $75 Canadian and proceed to enjoy the Christmas holiday with their dad, Dan the Forest Ranger.

The next summer, Wheels comes back from Port Hope, having been made an honest man. He gets hired by Tessa Campanelli to hunt down Spike’s Baby, Jerome, who is currently in the employ of one Morris Day, a local R&B entrepreneur who challenges “The Kid” for the affections of Apollonia. Hap Shaughnessy stars in this one-man-show.

Final Score: Memphis 48 Georgia State 42

UCF (2-0) at North Carolina (0-2)

I went to a farmers’ market with my uncle’s uncle this one time. My uncle’s uncle has a powerful voice and he knows how to use it. He announced, “These tomatoes are probably all from California” with Robert Stack certainty every time we passed a new vendor. At one booth, he picked up a tomato and said, “You can get these at the grocery store” and threw it at a nearby Hyundai Sonata. Then he grabbed that longhair by the shirt and said, “What are you trying to push on us,” Uncle Owen style. I think he was being overly skeptical.

Final Score: UCF 25 UNC 21

Temple (0-2) at Maryland (2-0)

College Park has a lot of good grocery stores. My friend Buvs told me that he is particularly fond of the Giant Food at the Beltway Plaza Mall. Buvs is a really big fan of tuna fish and they have a great selection. All the name brands. When he heads over to Giant Food, he goes right to the tuna aisle and he does tuna dances in front of all the Chicken of the Sea cans.

Final Score: Temple 15 Maryland 14

Rhode Island (2-0) at UConn (0-2)

The Unstoppable Force versus the Immovable Object. I see this one going down just like Wrestlemania III. The Huskies are going to put the Rams over. Mike Abelson is going to body slam Randy Edsall, hit him with the big leg and get the 1-2-3 courtesy of Earl Hebner. After the game, Abelson will performing a twenty-minute long, Hogan-esque pose-down for the full house at Rentschler Field and the closed-circuit audience of more than 100,000 at the Silverdome in Pontiac, Michigan.

Final Score: URI 38 UConn 7

East Carolina (1-1) at Virginia Tech (2-0)

When I was loitering at the closest Christmas Tree Shoppe the other day, I heard an elderly couple in the small appliance section debating whether or not to buy a coffee maker. At some point during the conversation, which I believe revolved around their granddaughter, the elderly woman said “Tom, she’s not allowed at Home Goods anymore.” One can only imagine the kind of meltdown that would lead to a lifetime ban at the bedding, furniture and house wares giant.

Final Score: Virginia Tech 32 East Carolina 17

Tulane (1-1) at UAB (1-1)

I spent 14 hours at a Krystal Burger in Memphis last month. I was trying to buy a panda from the local zoo. D. Ray Morton, president of American Express, was my point man on the deal. Before we could pull the trigger on it, he got telling me about these properties he had for sale out in New Mexico. What a deal! I was using Krystal’s as my safe house. While I wasn’t able to procure any delicious panda meat, I found that Krystal’s down home atmosphere compares favorably with Denny’s.

Final Score: Tulane 34, UAB 0, Memphis 0

SMU (0-2) at Michigan (1-1)

In spite of themselves, Michigan will find a way to win against an SMU team that will look much better in conference play.

Final Score: Michigan 38 SMU 28

South Florida (2-0) at Illinois (2-0)

Thus far, Lovie Smith is undefeated with his beard. He will remain so as the Illini get revenge against the Bulls, who drubbed them last season on national television.

Final Score: Illinois 28 South Florida 24

Lehigh (1-1) at Navy (1-1)

I hope Navy quarterback/wide receiver Zack Abbey continues to pile up some serious rushing yardage. He’s on my G5 fantasy football team.

Final Score: Navy 62 Lehigh 14

Houston (2-0) at Texas Tech (1-1)

After Houston beats Texas Tech by about 100 on Saturday, the Big 12 will be calling up the AAC looking to make a trade. The Big 12 will have to throw in Iowa State to make it worth the AAC’s while to take on Texas Tech.

Final Score: Houston- About 100 Texas Tech- 0

Arkansas State (1-1) at Tulsa (1-1):

Tulsa is the smallest school in Division 1. Tulsa does not have an on-campus Planet Hollywood. Once, I met a guy on the bus named either Frank or Dennis who was from Tulsa and he knew a lot about Oklahoma football. If I remember correctly, he was wearing a cutoff Billy Sims Detroit Lions jersey. I convinced him that I was Vince Ferragamo. Before we went our separate ways in Fort Wayne, I autographed his jersey for him. Free of charge.

Final Score: Arkansas State 25 Tulsa 24

Auburn v LSU Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

The Rest of the Country

LSU (2-0) at Auburn (2-0)

The final scenes of Roadhouse and Scarface are quite similar. The primary difference I can see is that the finale to Roadhouse is slightly more egalitarian. Everyone in town seems to get a crack at Ben Gazzara.

Final Score: LSU 6 Auburn 5

Southern Miss (1-1) at Appalachian State (1-1)

Don’t worry about Southern Miss. It is going to bounce back just fine.

But if you are looking for a hardware store in Fair Haven, Vermont, I highly recommend the Aubuchon’s Hardware on 22A next to Shaw’s. It has a great garden center. Top notch propane refilling. They’ve got wood pellets for your stoves. They can cut glass and plexiglass for you. You can rent a tiller there or a DR Trimmer-Mower or a Rug Doctor. They are open seven days a week and have a friendly, knowledgeable staff.

Final Score: Southern Miss 31 Appalachian State 24

Rutgers (1-1) at Kansas (1-1)

If former KU coach Charlie Weis and I ever met for breakfast, I bet the two of us could polish off a dozen Costco muffins and two blocks of Philadelphia cream cheese without any trouble. Anyone who complains about modern technology’s generally negative social consequences is discounting the tangible quality of life improvements that cream-cheese-in-a-tub has made for millions of Americans.

Final Score: Kansas 35 Rutgers 20

Murray State (0-2) at Kentucky (2-0)

Twenty-something years on, I am still confused by that Temple of the Dog video. I have probably watched it 500 times but I still don’t understand why both Soundgarden and Pearl Jam are going hungry if they don’t mind stealing bread. Yelp tells me that Seattle has 1017 bakeries. I am guessing that Seattle had roughly the same number of bakeries in 1991. It shouldn’t have been that hard for one of the 10 guys in either group to pinch a loaf from one of these establishments, especially if they all worked together.

For instance, Chris Cornell and Eddie Vedder could have walked up to the counter and gone back-and-forth, serenading the clerk with stories about their respective hunger pangs. The remaining members of both groups could have then made a human wall behind their lead singers, shielding Jeff Ament from view while he filled that stupid, floppy hat of his with baguettes from the cooling rack. Pearl Jam’s “Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town” describes a roughly analogous situation, so it appears that by the time they recorded Vs., they learned how to procure sustenance without paying.

What kind of fertility ritual is happening on the beach toward the tail end of the “Hunger Strike” video? I’ve heard that the extended version of the video concludes with Stone Gossard being placed in a mammoth copper pot with some root vegetables and a Costco-sized can of College Inn. That’s how you end a hunger strike in style!

Final Score: Kentucky 53 Murray State 0

This is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously.

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