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The Warriors just want to get back to Coney Island, but there are a lot of guys in their way. Collectively, they are the armies of the night. We're talking about the Turnbull AC's and their awesome bus, the Boppers and their purple shirts, the Saracens and their fetching tanktops, the Baseball Furies and their throwback uniforms.
The Warriors are going to be okay though. They are a heavy outfit. Not as heavy as Kiss. Not as heavy as Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. But heavy.
I would have invited the Orphans to the big meeting at Van Cortlandt Park. They seem heavier than the Boyle Avenue Runners, the only Queens based gang in the whole film.
Last Week: 10-6
Season to Date: 111-68
It's Christmastime, and there's no need to be afraid/
At Christmastime, we live in light and banish shade.
Feed the World, George Michael. Feed the World, Boy George. Feed the World, Bob Geldof. Feed the World, Cliff Richard. Feed the World, Sting. Feed the World, Simon Le Bon. It's Christmas.
Final Score: Cincinnati 73, East Carolina 70
The Rest of the AAC
- USF at UCF: Why doesn't anyone use chloraseptics anymore? I thought they were the ultimate sign of urbanity when I was a kid. That and Listerine. I have never used Listerine but I loved their use of Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy" in their 1988ish commercials. And Nelson. I thought that, by now, every single band would a music video like theirs. The one where they climb off the poster and do that song about not getting along with the kid in the video's Dad.
Final Score: USF 89, UCF 3
- #16 Navy at #19 Houston: Chamillionaire is pleased as punch that this is in Houston. As he explains in "Ridin' Dirty,"there are warrants issued for his arrest in every other American city, including Annapolis, Maryland. Chamillionaire is a big fan of the wishbone offense, so I'm glad he's going to get to see it in person.
Final Score: Navy 38, Houston 27
- Tulsa at Tulane:
Final Score: Tulane 45, Tulsa 30
- SMU at #21 Memphis: The University of Memphis' recent endorsement deal with e-cigarette giant Blu means that Tigers' quarterback Paxton Lynch will be puffing away while he drops back to pass. This will be less controversial than the Memphis Athletic Department's decision last season to replace the Gatorade in the sideline coolers with Coors.
Final Score: SMU 38, Memphis 20
- Connecticut at Temple: Temple is already interviewing candidates to replace their soon-to-be-big-time head coach Matt Rhule. Owls insiders say the leading candidates are Rachel Ray, Don Mattingly, Graig Nettles, Vince Lombardi, and the guy from the Red Stripe commercial. The Red Stripe guy wants to convert Temple's offense to a Power-I and their defense to a 14 man alignment.
Final Score: Temple 33, UConn 30
The Rest of the Country:
#10 Baylor at #18 TCU: The Mount Rushmore of best Behind the Music Episodes: Hall and Oates, Ted Nugent, TLC, and Foreigner.
Foreigner's is the best. I learned that they were an English band that rocked America with hits like "Hot Blooded" and "Double Vision" They went from playing in pubs in front of a couple of dozen people to playing at Giants Stadium in front of 875,347 people every single night in very short order. It was the combined geniuses of Lou Gramm and Mick Jones that gave them that one-two punch that the kids so enjoyed. They sold 50 million albums but their solid gold winning streak, I learned, was hard to sustain. The pressure mounted. They had creative differences. They succumb to the temptations of life on the road. And as you will learn, these troubles all came to a head on January 3, 1986 near a Wendy's in Columbus, Indiana. The road was dark and the drummer's arm fell off for no particular reason.
Final Score: Baylor 44, TCU 43
- #3 Ohio State at #12 Michigan: I pronounce the word rotisserie like this: "RO-TISSY-AIR." And I say it like I am Ricardo Montalban welcoming you to Fantasy Island. It just sounds classier that way.
Final Score: Ohio State 48, Michigan 10
- #2 Alabama at Auburn: Ricardo Montalban died five days before Obama became President. Coincidence? I think not.
Final Score: Alabama 35, Auburn 17
- #25 Wisconsin at Minnesota: Wisconsin's defense has spent all week watching that "cats look at cucumbers" video. Bad idea Badgers. Conversely, the Gophers have been practicing football all week.
Final Score: Minnesota 14, Wisconsin 13
- #4 Notre Dame at #11 Stanford: Get the gems, Bentley Bear!
Final Score: Notre Dame 24, Stanford 7
- #14 Florida State at #8 Florida: Allen Dulles and the Manning family invented MKUltra to pick the winners of all the Florida State-Florida Games that they knew would be meaningful 50 years later. Possibly.
Final Score: Florida 34, Free Shoes U 20
- #7 Oklahoma at #6 Oklahoma State: Bob Stoops ain't afraid of no ghosts, but he is unconvinced that Stillwater, Oklahoma is ghost free. Therefore, he wants the game moved to the new Dallas Cowboys stadium. "It is so new. There won't be ghosts there," he told a rolled-up copy of Tuesday's Wall Street Journal.
Final Score: Oklahoma 38, T. Boone Pickens 37
- Georgia Southern (2-1) at Emory (2-2) (Squash, Next Tuesday, the Marietta YMCA): I hope nobody brings a laser-pointer like they did last year. Messed up the over-under.
Final Score: Emory 300, Georgia Southern 238 (270 Needed to Win)
As should be obvious but apparently is not, this column is a parody and not intended to be taken seriously. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.