Welcome to my new column, "Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly."
In this column, I will select the straight up winners of all the big games every weekend, AAC or otherwise. The spread, the over-under, and all of that other jazz is way too confusing for me. If you want the knowledge on all of that I suggest you check out Carl’s "Stone Cold Lock of the Century of the Week" video prognostication service.
Now for some quick, unexplained preseason prognostications.
- University of Tennessee QB Joshua Dobbs will win the Heisman trophy.
- Our old friend Butch Jones will be named Coach of the Year.
- Rich Rod and the Arizona Wildcats will nae nae, whip, and stanky leg their way to the national title.
Now for my Week 1 Picks:
- Alabama A&M at Cincinnati: The Bulldogs might as well not even get off the bus. Tuberville is a big Clay Aiken fan. I think TT’s gonna run it up in this one as revenge for Aiken’s defeat at the hands of A&M alum Ruben Studdard in Season 2 of American Idol. Gunner Kiel is going to throw for 500 yards and 7 touchdowns all by halftime.
Final Score: UC 84 Alabama A&M 0
Upset of the Week
- #4 Baylor at SMU: I called it back in April. 35 point underdog SMU is going to beat Baylor. Baylor is going to rue the name of wide receiver Courtland Sutton after their Friday evening ESPN matchup. The first-year Mustang receiver is going to score at least three touchdowns against the Waco Briles. I will be celebrating in Dallas at Milo Butterfingers with a plate of Fiesta Nachos and a pitcher of Miller Lite.
Final Score: SMU 35 Baylor 31
The Rest of the AAC
- FIU at UCF: My favorite quote from Glengarry Glen Ross is "D. Ray Morton." Speaking of Glengarry Glen Ross, UCF is coached by 2nd team AAC All-Handsome selection George O’Leary, who would be my choice for Shelly "The Machine" Levine in a revival of the David Mamet play. He also looks something like George Kennedy in Naked Gun 2 ½. He has those Jack Nicklaus locks and that Phil Mickelson physique all the single ladies clamor for on SeniorPeopleMeet.com.
Final Score: UCF 45 FIU 12
- Villanova at UConn: UConn coach Bob Diaco is the handsomest coach in college football. To quote myself, he "combines North Jersey swagger with the unapproachable dreaminess of Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles."
Final Score: UConn 30 Villanova 19
- Duke at Tulane: Duke coach David Cutcliffe is not the sire of Secretariat. Tulane is in New Orleans, which is a hectic city known as the "Big Easy." I think they have Checkers there and I have never been to one. I’ve been to Rally’s and it is better than Checkers. As a veteran of Rally’s, I like their Big Buford Burgers. You can also get hot wings at Rally’s and you can’t get them at Checkers, or so I’ve heard. My brother ate 20 hot wings at the Rally’s in Terre Haute the day before a long drive. He had a bad belly by the time he got to the Love’s truck stop in Normal, Illinois. He characterized his visit to Normal, Illinois as "45 minutes of pure unadulterated fire."
Final Score: Duke 38 Tulane 37
- Penn State at Temple: I’ve been to both campuses. Penn State’s is much nicer. Penn State’s Appalachian surroundings and Temple’s North Philadelphia surroundings are comparably frightening. Christian Hackenberg looks like he would make an awesome polo player.
Final Score: Penn State 38 Temple 20
- Florida Atlantic at Tulsa: Tulsa is the smallest school in the FBS. Tulsa does not have an on-campus Planet Hollywood. Once, I met a guy on the bus named either Frank or Dennis who was from Tulsa and he knew a lot about Oklahoma football. If I remember correctly, he was wearing a cutoff Billy Sims Detroit Lions jersey. I convinced him that I was Vince Ferragamo. Before we went our separate ways in Fort Wayne, I autographed his jersey for him. Free of charge.
Final Score: Tulsa 71 Florida Atlantic 60
- Towson at East Carolina: Ruffin McNeil seems like an awesome guy. My quick perusal of the Sporting News College Preview indicates that the Pirates lost a lot of their top shelf guys, but who cares. They are playing Towson State. Towson State stinks.
Final Score: East Carolina 60 Towson 7
- Florida A&M at South Florida: USF’s Willie "Million Dollar Smile" Taggart is one of the handsomest coaches in college football. Florida A&M’s uniforms look like a store-brand orange juice carton.
Final Score: Florida A&M 48 USF 0
- Missouri State at Memphis: I haven’t eaten a bite or slept for three days and nights. That’s how I got to Memphis.
Final Score: Memphis 22 Missouri State 17
- Tennessee State at Houston: My brother said that David Klingler went to Houston. He’s got a starting lineup of him that’s mostly in the box. I bet it’s worth like 80 bucks. He’s my brother’s third favorite Bengals quarterback of all-time behind Boomer Esiason and Philip Rivers.
Final Score: Houston 44 Tennessee State 20
The Rest of the Country
- Louisville vs. Auburn (Georgia Dome, Atlanta): Louisville’s a pretty nice city. I know a guy from South Dakota who was there on business and walked across the big bridge they’ve got that crosses the Ohio River. He’d never been to Ohio before so he was really pumped about finally making it to the Buckeye State. After telling the first 20 people on the other side how much he liked Ohio, they informed him that he was in Indiana.
This lifelong South Dakotan has since moved to Seymour, Indiana and become a professional John Cougar Mellencamp impersonator.
Final Score: Auburn 41 Louisville 24
- #15 Arizona State vs. Texas A&M (Reliant Stadium, Houston): Manziel is going to shake off that sore shoulder that’s been bugging him since the Bills game and throw for about five touchdown passes.
Final Score: Texas A&M 45 ASU 33
- Texas at #11 Notre Dame: Texas is still one year away. Notre Dame almost made my College Football Playoff.
Final Score: Notre Dame 30 Texas 23
- #20 Wisconsin vs. #3 Alabama (Jerry World, Arlington, TX): Last year, the Sconnies put up a hellacious fight against LSU in a Week 1 vanity matchup just like this one. I see the Badgers leading all the way until the final drive of this game. Alabama’s O.J. "The Guy Who Jumps Offsides" Howard will break hearts from Eau Claire to Kenosha with a game-winning 12 yard tight-end around touchdown run as time expires.
Alabama 28 Wisconsin 24