Except for the Cincinnati game, I did pretty well last week. Except for the Notre Dame game as well. And except for a few others too.
Last Week: 9-7
Season to Date: 25-23
Miami (Ohio) (0-3) at Cincinnati (2-1): It is important that our fellas maintain their focus in this one. Miami always puts up a heck of a fight for the Victory Bell. Remember last year. It was a 37-33 game. I expect another close one in 2016, but, once again, the Victory Bell will be staying in Cincinnati.
Final Score: Cincinnati 28 Miami (Ohio) 20
The Rest of the AAC
Charlotte (1-2) at Temple (1-2): MATT RHULE HAS LOST THREE STRAIGHT FIGHTS AGAINST HIS RANDY SAVAGE WRESTLING BUDDY. I HAVE DEFEATED HIS RANDY SAVAGE WRESTLING BUDDY ON FIVE OCCASIONS AND LOST ON THREE OCCASIONS. ONE TIME MATT RHULE AND I FORMED A TAG TEAM AND WE HAD A SCHMOZ AGAINST THE RANDY SAVAGE WRESTLING BUDDY AND JACK LORD.
Florida State (2-1) at USF (3-0): Miss Cleo’s Recipe of the Week comes to us from a longtime Bearcats fan by the name of Joe Ross. Follow him on twitter.
Here is Joe Ross’ special recipe for Hanky Pank, a Westside of Cincinnati favorite from way back:
Hanky Pank: Prep time 5 minutes; Cooking time 10 minutes; Toasting time 5 minutes. 20 Minutes Total.
1 Pound lean ground beef
1 Pound hot/spicy Italian Sausage
1 teaspoon, Worcestershire sauce
½ pound Velveeta Cheese
1 loaf of Party Rye bread
Salt and Pepper to taste
Directions: Brown over medium heat ground beef & sausage in a large, deep skillet, add Worcestershire sauce and Velveeta. Before serving, 1 tbsp on each party rye, place in grid on parchment paper on cooking sheet, toast for 5 minutes in 300 degree oven. Enjoy.
Final Score: Florida State 38 USF 20
East Carolina (2-1) at Virginia Tech (2-1): Former Oakland A’s Third Baseman, San Jose native, and East Carolina non-attendee Carney Lansford is a direct descendant of the English explorer Francis Drake.
Final Score: Va Tech 51 ECU 12
Syracuse (1-2) at UConn (2-1): Miss Cleo’s top five home remedies for corns and calluses: 1) soak your feet in maple syrup 2) soak your feet in chamomile tea 3) eat some strawberry and rhubarb pie 4) change your tooth brush 5) cover those corns and calluses in petroleum jelly.
Final Score: UConn 35 Syracuse 20
Tulsa (2-1) at Fresno State (1-2): Tulsa born and bred Torrez Gordon needs new members for the Scorpion Gang, so he breaks into the local jail and gives the prisoners a "join up with me or die" offer.
Final Score: Tulsa 30 Fresno State 20
UCF (1-2) at Florida International (0-3): Having lost a button, fallen down, and gotten hit in the head with a soccer ball, Olive the Cat is in a really bad mood. After losing her patience and insulting her friends, the angry cat buys some candy and starts feeling better.
Final Score: FIU 33 UCF 30
Houston (3-0) at Texas State (1-1): There isn’t a Texas State man alive that can bust rhymes the way that George Jones does at the beginning of the "Race is On."
Final Score: Houston 53 Texas State 6
Louisiana-Lafayette (2-1) at Tulane (1-2): When a condemned Louisiana gunfighter named Corbin is reprieved by an unscrupulous railroad company, the trade-off is the head of an unsuspecting rancher named Mitch Starr.
Final Score: Tulane 31 ULL 20
Bowling Green (1-2) at Memphis (2-0): The Bowling Green Falcons are a bunch of bird brains if you ask me. Speaking of bird brains, the serinette, or bird organ, was a hand cranked musical device used by French ladies in the 17th and 18th centuries to teach songs to their pet canaries. A bellows blew air into a set of pipes, regulated by a rotating barrel lined with pins.
Final Score: Memphis 44 Bowling Green 10
The Rest of the Country
Wisconsin (3-0) at Michigan State (2-0): I THINK THAT THREE WOLVERINES WOULD WIN A FIGHT AGAINST A DIPLODOCUS DRIVEN BY CHASE CRAWFORD.
Final Score: Wisconsin 24 Michigan State 21
Georgia (3-0) at Ole Miss (1-2): Uga (by that, I mean the bulldog, not the school) got quite a scare from Mizzou last Saturday. He is a fragile creature, you know. He told me that this is the weekend when Georgia drops a game they shouldn’t on their annual path to a disappointing 9-4 season.
Final Score: Ole Miss 23 Georgia 22
Florida (3-0) at Tennessee (3-0): Joshua Dobbs will put up 500 total yards in this game and prove to all of America what I have been saying since August 2015: Joshua Dobbs will win the Heisman Trophy and Tennessee will win the national title.
Final Score: Tennessee 41 Florida 17
USC (1-2) at Utah (3-0): I keep hearing people say that Jeff Fisher’s look doesn’t fit in Southern California. Jeff Fisher is as SoCal as they get: Culver City-born, Taft and USC educated. Moreover, Jeff Fisher has the quintessential 1987 Van Nuys look. His doppleganger is Emil Muzz in the Dragnet movie.
Final Score: USC 30 Utah 27 UPSET OF THE WEEK
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor