As the internet’s best known arbiter of handsomeness, I have decided once again to update my 2016 list ranking the 128 handsomest coaches in college football by assessing the looks of the FBS’ 21 new head coaching hires. I have ranked them from No. 21 to No. 1, from least Diacoesque to most Diacoesque.
21. Dan Mullen, Florida: Deserved a Best Supporting Actor nod for his role in The Quest for Fire.
20. Chip Kelly, UCLA: Drury Lane resident Chip Kelly resembles the baked good most strongly associated with his street, especially when he dons a UCLA polo shirt.
18. Scott Frost, Nebraska: Jesse Plemons of Breaking Bad and Friday Night Lights fame was born to play Scott Frost in a movie.
17. Mike Bloomgren, Rice: I have no idea what this guy looks like. He looks radically different in every picture. As a result, he has to be in 17th place.
16. Herm Edwards, Arizona State: Looks a bit like Walt Disney. Walt Disney looks a bit like Sparky. Thus is the circle of life.
15. Jeremy Pruitt, Tennessee: Needs to stop shaving his head. Stop shaving it down on the sides, Jeremy. Set yourself apart from the crowd, Jeremy. Let that lettuce grow, buy some rubber bands, and have yourself a ponytail. Teach the people of the Volunteer State how to live and how to love.
14. Matt Luke, Ole Miss: What Rex Ryan would look like in a luxurious salt-and-pepper wig.
13. Jonathan Smith, Oregon State: I would trust this man to get my homeowner’s policy right.
12. Sonny Dykes, SMU: Looks like a guy who just moved to Florida and slapped a bumper sticker that says “No Shoes Nation” on the back of his Toyota Camry.
11. Steve Campbell, South Alabama: Mild-mannered mortgage adjuster by day. Booze cruise warrior by night.
9. Kevin Sumlin, Arizona: Looks much better in a ballcap.
8. Joe Moorhead, Mississippi State: Looks a lot better with a beard.
7. Jimbo Fisher, Texas A&M: Lives on a houseboat and never wears sunscreen.
6. Billy Napier, Louisiana-Lafayette: One of those soft-spoken southern guys who are invariably great dudes but always have this look to them like they are about to drag you out back of the Outback Steakhouse and give you what for for something you said wrong.
5. Chad Morris, Arkansas: “Chad Morris resembles Daniel Craig if Craig were asked to portray Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights,”- Me, May 2015
4. Willie Taggart, Florida State: “Willie Taggart has a million dollar smile that makes million dollar smiles blush. If a head coach’s handsomeness can turn a program around, then expect Taggart and the USF Bulls to join Chad Morris and the SMU Mustangs in the AAC title game this December,” – Me, May 2015.
3. Chad Lunsford, Georgia Southern: Aristocratically symmetrical, Chad Lunsford could mix and mingle with the Town and Country crowd but has that rugged physique that belongs on the cover of Field and Stream.
2. Mario Cristobal, Oregon: Did you know that Leonardo DiCaprio was considered for the lead in Boogie Nights? Director P.T. Anderson decided that DiCaprio didn’t own his maleness enough at that point in his life to be believable in the role, enabling Mark Wahlberg to earn the career-defining lead role. When it comes to the new FBS coaches in Oregon, think of Jonathan Smith as Boogie Nights-era Leonardo Dicaprio. Think of Mario Cristobal as Dirk Diggler.
1. Dana Dimel, UTEP: Intense blue eyes, a disarming smile, and a John O’Hurley head of hair. Dana Dimel is a fine coach who would make an even finer game show host.
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor