clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Reddit’s Own u/Bill Walton Posts Previews the Bryant Game

Fake Bill Walton Shares His Vast Knowledge of Cincinnati’s Upcoming Basketball Foe

Dead And Company Perform At The Forum Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic

I sit down with Reddit’s own u/BillWaltonPosts, North and South America’s most famous fake Bill Walton, to discuss Cincinnati’s upcoming opponent, the Bryant Bulldogs.

Clayton Trutor (CT): How would you describe Bryant’s style of play?

Bill Walton Posts (BWP): The mighty Bulldogs. What an animal! What a team! One of the best teams in the northeast of these united states. That play tough. Fun. Like a rhino laser focused on its prey.

CT: What kind of a college is Bryant?

BWP: Bryant is a fine academic institution. Did you that the campus land was given by Mr Tupper of Tupperware fame? Have you ever stepped back and appreciated the amount of organizational compartments and tools we have created as a species? It boggles the brain and shakes the cerebellum. What a marvelous primate we are.

CT: If Cincinnati were playing at Bryant, where would you go out to eat?

BWP: I would buy food from the sea. The mighty Atlantic. Narragansett Bay! Block Island! Dice into the ocean, feel the water sting you, hunt for you meal with the hands you’ve been given.

CT: When you think of Cincinnati, you think of __________________

BWP: I think of the mighty rivers. At the cross of the Licking and the Ohio, Cincinnati rises into the heavens. Now let me ask you something Clayton, have you ever licked Ohio? Have you ever tasted the skyline and drunk on Lake Erie?

CT: Have you ever seen a Rocky film? Which one is best?

BWP: How do you have time to watch movies when the world swirls around us? Come on Clayton, I’m sprinting through the miasma of time, feeling the wind on my face. I don’t have time for tales of yore. But I bet this Rocky fella was a mighty warrior and a perfect fit for the CONFERENCE OF CHAMPIONS.

CT: Do you subscribe to Sirius XM radio?

BWP: Of course I do. I love music! The language of the universe. And there is no better wavelength than Sirius channel 23.

CT: Are you a BitCoin guy? I can’t tell.

BWP: What type of question is that? Bits of coins? Is Dave trying to get you to trip me up? He goes on and on about his bits of coal and I will have none of it. I prefer my coins in singular pieces except for pennies because I don’t want those at all. But Quarters! Dollars! I love a beautiful coin.

CT: Protein Bars: do you eat them? What are you primary protein sources?

BWP: Beans! I love beans. The sneaky little protein wizard that the world must eat immediately. More beans means less meat and a happier mother earth.

CT: With the Holidays approaching, what charities are you supporting this year?

BWP: This year I’m making donations to teamseas.org. We are all roommates on this planet and it is imperative that we work as one like Coach Wooden would have wanted to keep her healthy.

CT: Who would win a fight between Tony Danza and Pete Carroll?

BWP: Of course it would be Pete Carroll. A legend of the CONFERENCE OF CHAMPIONS would do mighty against a man with an onomatopoeia for a name. Bam! Boom! Danza! Fight on Pete, we support you in your battle.

Head on over to Reddit right now and check out u/BillWaltonPosts for more from the mind of the fake Bill Walton.