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College Football’s All-Time, All-Acronym, All-American Team

Most Names of College Football Legends Have Secret Meanings That I Have Uncovered

NCAA FOOTBALL: SEP 19 UConn at Missouri Photo by Scott Kane/Icon Sportswire/Corbis/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

As Carl Sagan once said, a still more glorious dawn awaits. Not a sunrise, but a galaxy rise, a morning filled with 400 billion suns.

As I once said, the names of all major college football players are secretly abbreviations for all kids of esoteric knowledge.

Here is the all-time, all-acronym, all-American college football team—the most significant pieces of secret knowledge that arise from the names of recent college football greats.

Quarterback: Drew Lock, Missouri

Does

Really

Excellent

Work

Like

Our Hero

Chuck

Knoblauch

Running Back: Benny Snell, Kentucky

Best

Ever

Non

New

York

Snell

Never

Eats

Lasagna

Leftovers

Running Back: AJ Dillon, Boston College

A

J

Dillon

Is

Living

Large

On

Newton Campus

Wide Receiver: David Sills, West Virginia

Defenders

Are

Very

Intimidated by

David

Sills

In

Lubbock

Lawrence and

Stillwater

Wide Receiver: Penny Hart, Georgia State

Precisely

Everyone

Not

Named

Yatil Green

Has

Astonishing

Respect for

This Guy

Tight End: Noah Fant, Iowa

Noah

Owns

Above Average

Hands

Ferentz

Also

Notes

This

Tackle: Dalton Risner, Kansas State

Does

America

Love

Tackles?

Oh

Not

Really.

It

Should

Nevertheless

Esteem

Risner

Tackle: Ben Powers, Oklahoma

Ben

Eats

Nachos

Pizzas and

Onion Rings

With

Every

Reverent

Sooner

Guard: Michael Deiter, Wisconsin

Must

I

Chide

Haughty

Amherst-educated

Easterners

Lacking

Deiter’s

Energetic

Interior

Trap Blocks,

Endzone dances and

Rapport with opponents?

Guard: Ross Pierschbacher, Alabama

Ranking

Of

Southern

Schools:

Pine Bluff

Indiana Wesleyan

East Carolina

Rice

South Carolina

Clemson

Hampton-Sydney

Birmingham

Auburn

Chattanooga

Hardin-Simmons

Electrology Institute of Paducah

Radford

Center: Jake Hanson, Oregon

Just

Ask

Kindergarteners:

Eating

Hostess

Always

Neutralizes

Salmonella’s

Onset

Nausea

Now, Let’s Have a Look at the Defense

Defensive Tackle: Ed Oliver, Houston

Ed Oliver

Destroys

Offensive

Lines

Instantly,

Very

Efficiently and

Rapidly

Defensive Tackle: Jerry Tillery, Notre Dame

Jerry

Earnestly

Rote these

Renching lyrics for his

Yearbook quote:

Three Doors Down

Is

Letting me be myself so I can shine with my own

Light

Endquote

Really great

Yearbook quote IMHO

Defensive End: Zach Allen, Boston College

Zach

Ate

Cityside

Hamburgers

At

Lunch

Last

Easter

Nonchalantly

Defensive End: Brian Burns, Florida State

Bob

Ross

Is

Against

Naming

Bobby Bowden

Undersecretary of

Returning

New

Sneakers

Middle Linebacker: Devin White, LSU

Does

Everyone

View

Ineligible receiver downfield as

Nice?

When

Has

Ineligible receiver downfield

Taken

Everything?

Outside Linebacker: Sutton Smith, Northern Illinois

Southern Illinois

Understands

That

Tough guy

Outside linebackers

Named

Sutton Smith

Might

Incapacitate

Their

Halfbacks

Outside Linebacker: Montez Sweat, Mississippi State

Maury

Oz

Noory

Tosh

Ellen

Zach Galifianakis

Springer

Wayne Brady

Eve:

All

Talk Show Hosts

Cornerback: Julian Love, Notre Dame

Jumanji:

Underrated

Love Actually:

Informative

Anatomy of a Murder:

Nourishing

Labyrinth:

Over too soon

Village of the Damned:

Earnest

Cornerback: Deandre Baker, Georgia

Do you want to do

Every

Activity

Nearly as good as

Deandre Baker?

Run everyday,

Eat your Wheaties,

Be on time for practice,

Act courteously,

Knuckle down on your studies,

Earn your degree and

Rest comfortably

Safety: Andrew Wingard, Wyoming

All

North

Dakotans

Revere

Every

Way

Wingard

Innovates

Nickel defense,

Goal line pass coverage,

Aromatics,

Rustic furniture and

Diesel Engines

Safety: Marvell Tell, USC

Most

Awesome

Radical

Vascular

Exciting

Luminous

Lucrative

Trojan who

Ever

Lived

Life

Special Teams time!

Kicker: Matt Gay, Utah

Matt

Attempts

To

Top

Greats like

Andersen and

Yepremian

Punter: Jake Bailey, Stanford

Journalists

All

Know

Every

Big

Athlete

In America

Loves

Extra

Yardage

For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor