Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly
Week 12: The One Act Play Edition
Follow me on twitter @ClaytonTrutor for the correct picks to every important college game and for incisive commentary on all other aspects of the human experience.
Hit on Oregon, Oklahoma, and Memphis. Missed on Temple, Minnesota, and Fordham.
Last Week: 11-4
Season to Date: 101-62
- Cincinnati (6-4) at USF (6-4):
Robert Morris: Heavens to Betsy, the school in Pennsylvania that is named after me really got hammered by Cincinnati the other night.
Chorus Consisting of Every Current USF Student: Yes, the Bearcats defeated you by 62. Eight different UC players scored in double figures.
Robert Morris: I see that you guys upset Temple last week.
Chorus Consisting of Every Current USF Student: That was just an aberration. Cincinnati's superiority to our football team is comparable to Cincinnati's superiority to your basketball team.
Final Score: Cincinnati 106, USF 44
The Rest of the AAC:
- East Carolina (4-6) at UCF (0-10):
Bristol, Connecticut, March 2015: ESPN Executive #1: What a great Thursday night matchup. Two AAC contenders. One of them is bound to win the conference this year.
ESPN Executive #2: Yeah, we're going to pull some big numbers. Probably an 11 or 12.
ESPN Executive #1: Wonder what kind of ceremony they are going to have for George O'Leary's last home game at UCF. I bet they do it up big.
ESPN Executive #2: Big as the French's Mustard I bought at Costco's the other day. I been putting it on everything and I still got 200 ounces left.
ESPN Executive #1: Brush your teeth with it.
ESPN Executive #2: Already am.
ESPN Executive #1: Fill up your fish tank with it.
ESPN Executive #2: Already did. All my goldfish are dead and buried.
ESPN Executive #1: I don't know what to tell you. Call Stu and see what he has to say.
Final Score: UCF 22, East Carolina 21
- #21 Memphis (8-2) at #22 Temple (8-2):
Matt Rhule: I wish they had a Shoney's near campus. I would go there for breakfast every day. I think we would be undefeated if we had a Shoney's in North Philly. I would get so much strength from my $4.99 Shoney's breakfast that I wouldn't have taken my foot off the peddle against Notre Dame or forgot to come up with a game plan for USF.
Justin Fuente: We have two Shoney's in the city of Memphis. I don't even go to practice. I just spend all day driving between the Shoney's on Covington Pike and the one on West Service Road. And we are still 8-2. I eat 5 Shoney's breakfasts everyday and I still look great.
Matt Rhule: You sure do.
Justin Fuente: I know that. I don't need flattery. But what you need is a Shoney's in Philadelphia.
Matt Rhule: That's not gonna happen in time for Saturday.
Justin Fuente: Let's move the game to Memphis then. You and me can have breakfast at Shoney's Friday morning and Saturday morning. I will even pay both days.
Matt Rhule: Can I get two breakfasts?
Justin Fuente: You can get three if you want to. I'm made out of money.
Final Score: Memphis 35, Temple 17
- #24 Houston (10-0) at UConn (5-5):
Bob Diaco: I never been to Shoney's. GNC is my grocery store.
Tom Herman: With God as my witness, I am going to make you go to Shoney's next time you guys come to Houston.
Bob Diaco: I'll go. It's nice of you to invite me and the family.
Tom Herman: Who do you think I am, Jim Calhoun? I'm not made out of money. I didn't invite your family. I just invited you, Bob. I thought we could play Stratego and nurse coffee refills all morning.
Bob Diaco: That's a great idea. I'm not going to eat any of Shoney's $4.99 breakfast platters which include two eggs your way; toast or English muffin; ham, bacon, sausage patties or links; and your choice of homefries or hashbrowns smothered in their signature ham gravy. I am going to eat a MetRx bar and drink up all their Sanka. I am going to do an interpretive dance based on the Battle of Vicksburg right in the dining room.
Tom Herman: Don't do that when it's your move. Only when it's my move.
Bob Diaco: It's a deal.
Final Score: UConn 20, Houston 17
- #20 Navy (8-1) at Tulsa (5-5):
Tulsa Athletic Department Secretary: Yes, Coach Montgomery.
Philip Montgomery: Get Shoney's on the line pronto. I want my eggs scrambled, my wheat toast mummified in margarine, my homefries drier than a California drought, and sausage patties. And I want them to put a move on bringing that to my office.
Tulsa Athletic Department Secretary: They don't deliver sir. They used to but Charlie Weis would hack their computer system and have every order sent to his lair.
Philip Montgomery: Secretary, we'll have to go ourselves. Pull the Batmobile around front.
Final Score: Navy 38, Tulsa 24
- Tulane (3-7) at SMU (1-9):
Me: Chad Morris is really turning around the SMU program. I think this win will be some great momentum going into next year.
Final Score: SMU 42, Tulane 35
The Rest of the Country:
- #17 Mississippi State (7-3) at Arkansas (6-4):
Rob Ryan: Fiddlesticks! I got fired!
Bret Bielema: Sorry to hear that Rob. Maybe if the Saints defense wasn't last in the league in every category you'd still have a job.
Rob Ryan: Aw Heck. I think you're right, Bret. Know of any open jobs?
Bret Bielema: Have I got the job opportunity for you!
Rob Ryan: You want me to be your defensive coordinator?
Bret Bielema: No. If you can't stop the offenses in the NFC South, then you sure as heck can't stop the offenses in the SEC.
Rob Ryan: Are you offering me the belly raspberry thing again?
Bret Bielema: I sure am. Until I beat LSU the other night, I thought I was a goner after the season. I picked up some part time work earlier this year, figuring there would be a transition time between jobs. Every afternoon, I've been sitting shirtless in a lawn chair outside the Exxon Station on Paris Road in Algiers, Louisiana. I let strangers give my belly a raspberry for $5 a pop. All profit. The guy who owns the gas station doesn't even charge me. My belly brings him in at least five fill-ups every afternoon. I was making upwards of $70 a day. One time, Les Miles showed up and paid for a triple-double. He had three different recruits get two cracks each at my belly.
Rob Ryan: Is that an NCAA violation?
Bret Bielema: No. He cleared it with the compliance officer. Who is also one of my best customers.
Rob Ryan: OK, I'll take it.
Bret Bielema: I just want ten dollars every day for chair rental.
Rob Ryan: Chair rental! This ain't no barbershop. I'm not giving you 10 of my hard earned dollars every day.
Bret Bielema: Did I mention that this service station is across the street from a Shoney's?
Rob Ryan: 10 dollars a day will be just fine. Shoney's, here I come!
Final Score: Arkansas 35, Miss St 31
- #15 TCU (9-1) at #12 Oklahoma (9-1):
John Gotti: Dearest Razor! Would you pass me a crumpet?
Razor Ramon: Yes, I will, Chico!
John Gotti: Have you read the Times Sunday Literary insert? There is an excellent short-story by Margaret Atwood
Razor Ramon: I saw it in an earlier stage. Margaret's writing process is so precocious.
John Gotti: Shall we take in Turandot this evening?
Razor Ramon: I did not care for that recent production of Madame Butterfly we saw so I shan't be at the theatre tonight.
John Gotti: Quelle Horreur! (Mr. Gotti takes lace handkerchief out of his pocket, dabs forehead vigorously)
Final Score: Oklahoma 38, TCU 20
- #19 UCLA (7-3) at #10 Utah (8-2):
Edwin Snerd: Ha-Cha-Cha!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): They don't make cars like they used to. My daughter drives a Kia Sorrento.
Edwin Snerd: Ha-Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I went for a ride last week in the Kia Sorrento.
Edwin Snerd: Hot Potato!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I went AWOL in '43 and joined the circus. President Carter gave me an amnesty and a trophy.
Edwin Snerd: Twenty-three Skidoo!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): Country Fried Steak tonight? Why did they fire Dan Rather?
Edwin Snerd: Goodnight and Good Luck!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I saw that Rambo movie. It was on the tv again.
Edwin Snerd: Do we get to win this time? (turns to himself). That's up to you, John.
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I don't like the milkshakes at McDonald's. They're too thick.
Edwin Snerd: Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I was glad that I rejoined the Corps. They let us watch Desparado with the swears in it. I like ‘R' Rated movies when they've got the swears.
Edwin Snerd: Watch me Nae-Nae!
Final Score: UCLA 12, Utah 4
- #18 Northwestern (8-2) at #25 Wisconsin (8-2) (THE SUN PRAIRIE SHOWDOWN):
Michael Wilbon: I think Northwestern will win this game.
Player Piano: (responds with "Alexander's Rag Time Band")
Michael Wilbon: Wisconsin doesn't have the weapons that we thought they did.
Player Piano: (responds with "Over There!")
Michael Wilbon: Northwestern's running game demands to be taken seriously.
Player Piano: (responds with "Some Enchanted Evening")
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): Hey, I know that one!
Final Score: Wisconsin 24, Northwestern 7
- #13 Michigan State (9-1) at #3 Ohio State (10-0):
Wink Martindale: One time I went to a Michigan State hockey game, or I should say it was a hockey game in which Michigan State played. They were playing my alma mater, DeVry, at our home rink, ITT Technical Institute Fieldhouse. The Michigan State fans did wonders for the concessioners. They built a Maginot Line around the visitor's section with personal-sized pizza boxes. Every one of them could have stayed at the Waldorf-Astoria instead of the Red Roof Inn with all the wealth they redistributed that night to John Schnatter.
Final Score: Ohio State 35, Michigan State 10
- #6 Baylor (8-1) at #8 Oklahoma State (10-0)
Stu: I would like to thank Waco, Texas for welcoming me to their community. King Moonracer was a great choice for ruler-for-life. I also have great admiration for the city's regressive tax policies. They have been extremely beneficial to my bottom line. My comedy club, "Stu Tickets to Paradise," is the Belle of the Ball in fair Waco. I have started taping a dating game show at my establishment. I call it "Stu Can It Be Now?" I have hired former Men at Work frontman Colin Hay to serve as the host. I serve as the bachelor every week. I question three prospective ladies on their interests, personal habits, and views on supply-side economics before deciding which one of them gets to join "The Collective."
Final Score: Baylor 44, Oklahoma State 43
As should be obvious but apparently is not, this column is a parody and not intended to be taken seriously. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.