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The Office Pools Have Arrived

In every office pool during March Madness there are certain individuals you will face, certain individuals you must defeat in order to win glory. Here is a sampling of the types you need to be on the look out for as the tournament tips off tonight, and as brackets start coming due before the real tournament kicks off.

USA Today

It's that time of year! The sun is out. People are acting like it's 80 degrees outside, and your office pool is all anyone can talk about. Come on, this is your year. You've watched the games, you've listened to all the sports talk radio shows. This should be a sure first-prize victory of $200 and the new apple watch you want but don't need. But before you can go over to the Verizon store to pick up the secret agent gadget, you must face off against these 6 opponents. Can you defeat them? Can you call yourself the true March Madness Champion?

The "I had that" guy

Mr. Upset is also a commonly used name for this gent. He doesn't pick all upsets, just all 12, 13, and 14 seeds. If a 9 seed beats an 8, he "had that". If no #1 seeds make it to the final four he "had that". This year, he will have UK loosing early so he will be the only guy in the office who "had that".

When asked after the UK loss- "I never understood all their hype. Most overrated team in 2015".

He's not about winning the pool. He's all about being right on the 3 major upsets that will happen this year.

The Expert

This guy will not only tell you how many games he has watched this year, but also the amount of sleep he hasn't gotten since Selection Sunday. He lists off stats that you aren't even sure are real. He'll give you his sleeper of the year which will be a 2 seed.

You: "Is that even a sleeper?"

The Expert: "Dude! Yes, Ken Pomeroy had them finishing 4 wins better than what they actually did. So yeah.... nobody is even giving them a chance this year."

He will finish middle of the pack in his pools and will tell you he must have use the wrong variable for all his algorithms

Mr. Multi

Mr. Multi: "So what is the number for the office pool this year?"

You: "Umm I think it's $5 a bracket agai..."

Mr. Multi: "No bro! WHAT IS THE MAXIUMUM BRACKETS I CAN SUBMIT THIS YEAR! Last year it was only 3 which was complete BS. In my dynasty league I can submit 20..... Which I actually snuck in 22 using my sister's ex-boyfriend's name."

This guy is about one thing - Money. He will submit the maximum brackets allowed with completely different scenarios. He even googled "how many different NCAA tournament brackets are possible" just to see if he had a chance to fill everyone out. (The answer is 9.2 quintillion possibilities. According to RJ Bell of, that would take you 292 trillion years to fill out all possible combinations (at one bracket per second.)).

He also tells you every situation he is in on a game-by-game basis.

"Dude, if Kansas goes on to the sweet 16, I'll be in 5th place with my 6th bracket but if they lose, I'll be in 4th place with my 2nd bracket."

During the actual games he can't remember who he has in which bracket and which pool. "Come on Maryland! I need this win badly! It'll help me in my grandma's senior citizens pool!" (Maryland loses with a buzzer beater) "DAMMIT! That knocks me back to 8th place behind Martha....wait that moved me up to 3rd though in the chess club pool I got into at the local high school. Hell ya! So glad the Terps lost."

In the end, all that money he spends gets him zero wins and one 3rd place finish which prizes out to be the $5 he submitted for "bracket 13"...Now he is only $395 dollars down this March Madness.

The Mascot Lady

Probably my favorite person involved with March Madness. She picked Mercer over Duke last year because she has the Christian rock band Mercy Me CD in her minivan.  Her wedding colors were blue and white so of course Kentucky is gonna win it all, and she loves dogs.... ALL DAWGS! That's why she'll have Georgia, Butler, and Gonzaga all going far.

"My childhood friend's grandson goes to that SMU school.... Southern Mountain University I think, so I'll pick them!"

During the 2011 tournament, she barely was able to log into to the yahoo bracket room submitted over group chat at work, and she even accidently clicked the wrong team all the way to the final was VCU. And when she wins, she giggles, not even realizing what just happened and says "this money will be going towards my egg salad party I'm having next week!"

The GF

Now this type could have multiple title versions. "Girlfriend," "Wife," "Fiancé," "person you have a major crush on and if you play your cards right one night while she's had a beer or two you might actually have a shot with." She comes to you this week with the classic "Hey honey wouldn't it be cute if we did a bracket thingy against each other? Maybe we can place a bet on it," to which you give a mental fist pump as you think this is the sure win you needed to finally getting permission for that trip to New Orleans with your boys this summer.

The problem occurs when she picks all of your rivals, least favorite teams, and even the school her ex went to, just to get in your head. When the games begin she uses curse words you have never even heard of and makes you scared to even fall asleep around her. When its all over, she wins the bet, and you are spending your entire Saturday looking for flower pots at The Home Store before going to see the 7 o clock showing of Cinderella that evening.

Finally there is You

You play against yourself.

Last year -

"I'm going chalk this time. I'm not making any stupid picks. Just going with my head, not my gut....But I really like the sexy pick of Iowa State this year.... Ok I'll be a little creative and have them go to the elite eight.... I really could see them as a final four team this year.... well if they made it that far, they definitely would make it to the championship."

(A week later) "And that's the game, #7 UConn knocks off #3 seed Iowa State in the sweet sixteen!"

"Welp, my bracket is toast. What time does opening day start for the Reds this year?"