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Ruben Studdard and Other Illustrious Alumni from UC's 2015 Opponents

It's like I missed a shot. It's like I dropped the ball.

Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images

A couple of weeks back, I did a piece at going on about my favorite alumni at all the schools in the AAC.

I said Cincinnati’s greatest alumnus was the Big O, but I could just as well have picked One Fine Day star George Clooney, financial wizard Charles Keating, trumpeter Al Hirt, former Treasury Secretary Salmon P. Chase, comedian Nipsey Russell, Vice President and Nobel Prize winner Charles Dawes, anti-gambling killjoy Kennesaw Mountain Landis, Growing (Up) at 37 author Jerry Rubin, or the sturdily built former US President and Chief Justice William Howard Taft.

Pound for pound, the Bearcats have produced as many great Americans as any university out there. Even though Bon Jovi and the Beatles, twice, tried to poison our youth with their rock-n-roll antics, we at the Queen City’s premier institution persevere.

To help us here at Down The Drive get ready for the 2015 season, I’ve decided to give the Bearcats’ schedule the same treatment I did to the entire AAC a couple of weeks ago. This will be really easy for me, since eight of the teams on UC’s schedule just so happen to play in the AAC.

Victory 1 (September 5th): Alabama A&M

Greatest Alumni: Ruben "This Year Im’a Take This One Chance and Make It Real Clear" Studdard. Kind of. If we had scheduled Alabama A&M in the late 90s, our fellas could well have been lining up against the winner of American Idol: Season 2. Studdard received a football scholarship to play for the Alabama A&M Bulldogs and played briefly for the school. His attendance at the Normal, Alabama school was similarly short-lived. Though he did pledge with Phi Mu Alpha Sinofonia and he is thoroughly apologetic for his actions in 2004.

Victory 2 (September 12th): Temple

Greatest Alumni: Mark Margolis. The guy who played Tio on Breaking Bad, General Olmedo in Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, and one of Sosa’s henchmen in Scarface.

Victory 3: (September 19th): Miami (Ohio)

Greatest Alumni: Joseph Pomeroy Widney. Co-founder of the Church of the Nazarene. Partial inventor of the idea that Southern California is a paradise on earth.

Victory 4 (September 24th): Memphis

Greatest Alumni: Fred Thompson. Thompson served as US Senator from Tennessee from 1994-2003. He later served as Manhattan’s District Attorney on Law & Order for several of its crummier seasons. After that, he took a half-hearted stab at the White House in 2008. And after that, he started peddling reverse mortgage scams. I saw him on a plane one time. He is really tall and he is really tanned. I am unfamiliar with the former Senator’s typical sartorial tastes, but on this morning he left the top three buttons of his oxford shirt unbuttoned so that everybody walking back to coach could see his freshly shorn chest.

Victory 5 (October 1st): Miami (Florida)

Greatest Alumni: Frank Perry. The Director of Mommie Dearest.

Victory 6 (October 16th): Brigham Young

Greatest Alumni: Rick Aguilera. Lights out closer for the New York Mets and Minnesota Twins, among others (1985-2000). Owner of two World Series rings (1986, 1991). Attendee of three All-Star games (1991-1993). I met him at the Denny’s in Parma, Ohio sometime between 1999 and 2007. I asked him if he was Christina Aguilera’s father. He denied it. Then he asked me how many times a day I thought people asked him that. I said not many because I doubted many people at the Denny’s in Parma recognized him. He told me that he eats at a lot fancier places than the Denny’s at Parma, Ohio most of the time and that no matter where he goes, whether it’s the Red Lobster in Cheyenne, Wyoming, the Steak and Shake in Olathe, Kansas, or the Outback Steakhouse just past where the VFW Hall used to be in New London, Connecticut, a lot of people recognize him because of his resplendent beard. I then asked him if, being a pitcher and all, he felt kind of weird ordering a Grand Slam for breakfast. He did not respond. I then asked him for an autograph and Christina’s phone number. Instead, he offered me a hardy handshake and wished me a good day.

Victory 7 (October 24th): UConn

Greatest Alumni: Judy Collins. Noted folk-singer who purports to look at life from both sides, now.

Victory 8 (October 31st): UCF

Greatest Alumni: Terrence Trent D'Arby. Described by many media outlets during his brief heyday as the "next Prince," D’Arby was a several-hit wonder during the late 1980s and, earlier in the decade, was a Florida Golden Gloves champion. His "Wishing Well" was made for Wednesday night bowling alley bar karaoke.

Victory 9 (November 7th): Houston

Greatest Alumni: Anthony Young. Hard-luck Mets starting pitcher who lost a Major League record 27 consecutive decisions during the 1992 and 1993 seasons.

Victory 10 (November 14th): Tulsa

Greatest Alumni: Gus Frerrotte. Legendary Redskins quarterback who sure knew how to celebrate a touchdown.

Victory 11 (November 20th): USF

Greatest Alumni: Lobo. "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo." "I’d Love You to Want Me." How could just one man write two such timeless classics?

Victory 12 (November 28th): East Carolina

Greatest Alumni: Vince McMahon. The father of the XFL.

Victory 13 (AAC Title Game, December 5th): SMU

Greatest Alumni: Aaron Spelling. Producer of such educational and critically acclaimed television programs as The Love Boat, Dynasty, Starsky and Hutch, 90210, 7th Heaven, The Mod Squad, and Melrose Place.

Victory 14 (College Football Playoff Semi-Finals, New Years’ Day): Utah State

Greatest Alumni: Gregory C. Carr. Founder of Prodigy, the AAC’s official internet service provider.

Victory 15: (The National Title Game, a Week or So Later): Western Michigan

Greatest Alumni: Bruce "This is my boomstick!" Campbell. The guy from the Evil Dead movies and Bubba Ho-Tep. Owner of the world’s manliest chin.