I made you big money last week with my upset special picks in the Houston and SMU games. This week will bring more of the same. When it comes to seeing the future, my powers are greater than those of Dionne Warwick and Miss Cleo combined.
Last Week: 10-4
Season to date: 21-8
Onward to my Week 3 selections.
- UC (1-1) at Miami (Ohio) (1-1): Like Blaine said back in August, Pretend Miami is going to make this one closer than it should be. The Victory Bell is going to remain in Cincinnati though. This will be a bounce back win for us, our How Stella Got Her Groove Back game. It won’t be easy, but, after all is said and done, we will be the ones who end up winning over Taye Diggs.
Final Score: UC 49, Miami 34
The Rest of the AAC
- SMU (1-1) at #3 TCU (2-0): On June 23rd, I wrote a musical tribute to SMU’s resurgence. It was at the karaoke bar at my local bowling alley. It consisted of a song and an interpretive dance. I put this song to the tune of Phil Collins’ third best ballad, "Against All Odds.""
But we got Chad Morris now, and we’re gonna win first place
And There’s nothing left here to remind me,
of June Jones’ disgrace.
Chad’s the handsomest coach in the AAC
Next To Bob Diaco of the UConn Huskies
Final Score: SMU 45, TCU 44 (UPSET OF THE WEEK)
- USF (1-1) at Maryland (1-1): USF’s helmet would make an awesome logo for a franchise steakhouse. Maryland’s buffet of abstract expressionist uniforms would get burned in the parking lot if they were donated to Goodwill.
Final Score: USF 48, Maryland 0
- Tulsa (2-0) at #16 Oklahoma (2-0): I think Sacramento’s own Tulsa was at their best when they did that cover of "Sign, Sign everywhere a sign, blah blah scenery blah blah my mind." Oklahoma can move the ball rapidly in about 12 different ways. They would win this game even if they put Good Old JR in at QB. (Boomer Sooner!)
Final Score: Oklahoma 48, Tesla 7
- Temple (2-0) at UMASS (0-1): Goldy Gopher keeps borrowing the Minuteman’s Discover Card and ordering all kinds of stuff from the Home Shopping Network. Goldy sent me a text earlier today that said "Use Tootie." Goldy then sent me a text explaining that Josh Scobee’s performance in last Thursday’s opening night game against the Patriots was actually just an elaborate interpretive dance done in homage to U2’s "Stuck in a Moment" music video.
Final Score: Temple 37, UMASS 30
- UConn (2-0) at #22 Missouri (2-0): I went to a farmers’ market with my uncle’s uncle this one time. My uncle’s uncle has a powerful voice and he knows how to use it. He announced "these tomatoes are probably all from California" with Robert Stack definitiveness every time we passed a new vendor. At one booth, he picked up a tomato and said "you can get these at the grocery store" and threw it at a nearby Hyundai Sonata. Then he grabbed that longhair by the shirt and said "what are you trying to push on us," Uncle Owen style. I think he was being overly skeptical.
Final Score: Mizzou 56, UConn 20
- Memphis (2-0) at Bowling Green (1-1): I highly recommend a listen to Mott the Hoople’s "All the Way From Memphis." After listening to it for the rest of the work day, go give it a shot at bowling alley karaoke. Then do "Man in the Mirror". Then do "Human Wheels" and "Jackie Brown" in medley form. Never give up the microphone. You are the best singer in this bar. Everyone there watching you is going to stay until closing time to see you do justice to Whitney Houston’s "One Moment in Time."
Final Score: Bowling Green 14, Memphis 13
- Furman (0-2) at UCF (0-2): I gave that new Netflix show with Coach Taylor a try. It’s pretty good. I got through two episodes and I liked them pretty good. Sissy Spacek is in it and I like her too. She always looks younger than her age. She’s good in Badlands with Martin Sheen. That’s on Netflix’s Watch it Now these days too. Mmm hmm. As I said, I’ve only watched 2 episodes of the new show he’s got going. When I was going to fire up episode three of The Coach Taylor Show, I saw that Netflix had just added the Chris Gaines Behind the Music special so I gave up on Bluebloods or whatever the new Coach Taylor show is actually called.
Final Score: UCF 40, Furman 17
- Maine (0-1) at Tulane (0-2): Rhymes.
Final Score: Maine 38, Tulane 37
The Rest of the Country:
- #14 Georgia Tech (2-0) at #8 Notre Dame (2-0): Rudy had his quarterback sack against Tech. Tech’s offensive line has improved a great deal in the intervening 40 years. I think it is highly unlikely that Sean Astin will drop Justin Thomas for a loss this Saturday afternoon. As an aside, I once spent fifteen hours straight asking a man at the Varsity in Atlanta to repeat the menu to me. And he did. They’ll just keep doing that, even after their shift is done. Mighty Christian of them, if you ask me.
Final Score: Georgia Tech 28, Notre Dame 24
- #18 Auburn (2-0) at #14 LSU (1-0): Les Miles can eat grass like an Alpaca. And so can I.
Final Score: LSU 2, Auburn 0
- Stanford (1-1) at #6 USC (2-0): Sources inside the SC athletic department tell me that Patrick McGoohan was a big Trojan fan. Patrick McGoohan appeared in four episodes of Columbo, including my favorite one. The one at the military academy where the boys in the dorm were making moonshine or something. Conversely, Stanford fan Ben Gazzara only appeared in two episodes of Columbo.
Final Score: USC 22, Stanford 6
- #15 Ole Miss (2-0) at #2 Alabama (2-0): In this showdown between two Space Grant schools, the winning institution will be awarded a nuclear bomb by Elon Musk. Look for Alabama to use the nuclear weapon against Auburn rather than Polar Mars.
Final Score: Alabama 88, Ole Miss 0 (They really want that bomb #SabanProliferation #RogueTide)
- #19 BYU (2-0) at #10 UCLA (2-0) (Neutral Site Game, Rose Bowl, Pasadena, CA): My daily planner says that Jim Mora, Jr. and I have a picnic lunch planned for January 22nd, 2017 at the La Brea Tar Pits. I am going to make Olive Loaf sandwiches and bring a ‘24’ of diet cream soda. I am going to pregame on the 405 with the Flaming Lips’ Soft Bulletin record in the silver Cadillac Escalade I plan to rent from Dollar at LAX.
Final Score: UCLA 47, BYU 30
- Northern Illinois (2-0) at #1 Ohio State (2-0): This game has all the makings of a "30 for 30" called Run! It’s the Janitor! There’s too many damn conferences these days! Directed by Billy Corben.
Final Score: Ohio State 31, Northern Illinois 20