Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Week 6 - The Brad Kaaya Becomes a Man Before Our Eyes Edition

No Cincinnati game this week? No problem. I’ve got you covered once again with all the correct picks.

Last Week: 14-4

Season to Date: 49-28

Our Game:

Bye Week

The Rest of the AAC:

- East Carolina (3-2) at BYU (3-2): David Garrard seems like a really nice guy, but, if I had to bet money, I think he would win a boxing match against LaVell Edwards.

Final Score: BYU 41, ECU 22

- UConn (2-3) at UCF (0-5): George O’Leary was spotted by my sources at a Skyline Chili earlier this week. He must be recruiting in the area. He ordered a Chili Five Way and started crying because it was "toooooooooo spicy." My pet cat Cristobal has one every morning and he never complains (RIP CRISTOBAL 2015-2015). Flipped a coin to pick the winner of the "Civil Conflict." UConn’s heads. UCF’s tails.

Final Score: Tails.

- Navy (4-0) at #15 Notre Dame (4-1): I watched the first half of the Notre Dame game last week at a House of Pizza whose name will not be mentioned. Their steak tips gave me indigestion. Very poor quality meat. I feel badly for the giraffe that had to die so that I might not enjoy my Saturday night supper. I did learn something at this pizza place though. A man in a sleeveless Saugus Sachems sweatshirt sold me a samovar situated somewhere south of the sausage sampler sitting on the counter. He also told me that Skybars are made by Necco, which he told me stands for the New England Confectionery Company. He only knows this because his Saugus Sachems play the Revere Minutemen next Friday night and he has to drive past the Necco headquarters on the way to Stackpole Field.

I walked home at half time. Watched the second half on my own TV. Picture was pretty good.

Final Score: Notre Dame 45, Navy 24

- Syracuse (3-1) at USF (1-3): I think Jim Brown at age 79 could single-handedly beat this year’s South Florida team.

Final Score: Jim Brown 48, USF 0

- Tulane (2-2) at Temple (4-0): Temple seems pretty good this year.

Final Score: Temple 35, Tulane 10

- SMU (1-4) at Houston (4-0): Houston’s best hotel is the Four Seasons. It’s not bad. It’s pretty close to the Aquarium. By comparison, Dallas has a much better hotel: The Hilton Anatole. For those of you unfamiliar with the Hilton Anatole Hotel, I highly recommend a visit just to check out the architecture. It is part of the late, great developer Trammell Crow’s Dallas Market Complex, a masterwork of post-modern, mixed-use urban development.

Inside and out, the Hilton Anatole Hotel and the Dallas Market Complex embody the sleek, sophisticated Sunbelt variant of opulence that Dallas has long presented to the world. Their design imperatives are simultaneously simple and showy.

The Hilton Anatole Hotel has an outstanding art collection installed throughout its corridors, including two sections of the Berlin Wall. Each Thursday, I get a bit misty when I make my weekly pilgrimage to the pair of installations from the Wall. I bring a boom box with me and I play The Scorpions’ "Winds of Change" as I gaze on these symbols of past oppression.

I sing along too: "take me to the magic of the moment/ on a glory night/ where the children of tomorrow share their dreams/ with you and me."

If you ask me, the Hilton Anatole Hotel is 27 stories worth of lodging magic surrounded by a seven square-acre sculpture garden. The entire Dallas Market Complex is just as splendid. I call it five million square feet of trade show heaven, trade show mystery, and trade show majesty. Professional buyers come from around the country just to honor this mightiest of merchandise marts.

Final Score: SMU 38, Houston 27

The Rest of the Country

- Miami (3-1) at #12 FSU (4-0): My exchanges with legendary documentarian Billy Corben last weekend got me to thinking of which leading men would be the appropriate actors to play every Miami starting quarterback since Howard Schnellenberger took over the program in 1979.

Now for the Canonical List of Actors Best Suited to Play Every Miami Starting Quarterback since 1979, age-appropriateness of the actor be damned. The Hurricanes’ quarterback is listed first. The appropriate actor is listed second, followed by a brief explanation.

Mike Rodrigue (1979): Timothy Hutton. Quarterback-turned wide receiver Mike Rodrigue evoked a certain youthful world-weariness best captured by Hutton’s Oscar winning performance in Ordinary People (1980).

Jim Kelly (1979-1982): Jon Hamm. Jim Kelly’s quiet, Middle American, Big Man on Campus, leading by example persona would be the perfect role for Don Draper.

Bernie Kosar (1983-1984): Paul Newman. Charismatic and unpredictable, Boardman, Ohio’s Bernie Kosar would have been a great role for Shaker Heights, Ohio’s Paul Newman. Kosar is like a casserole made of Cool Hand Luke, The Hustler’s Fast Eddie Felsen, and Slap Shot’s Reggie Dunlop.

Vinny Testaverde (1985-1986): Scott Baio. There is no physical evidence proving that it wasn’t actually Vinny Testaverde starring alongside Willie Aames in Charles in Charge.

Steve Walsh (1987-1988): Ray Romano. I just kinda always thought he looked like Peter Boyle’s pretend son. Always seemed like an affable guy too. If only Brad Garrett had been on his offensive line in New Orleans, maybe Walsh would have had a more productive pro career.

Craig Erickson (1989-1990): John Cassavetes. There was something avant garde about Craig Erickson. The way he carried himself. His unique delivery on a play action pass. It all seemed very haute monde. Not only did Erickson look like the king of the 70s Art House films. He acted like him too. Erickson’s performance in the Hurricanes’ 1990 defeat at Notre Dame was eerily reminiscent of Cassavetes’ performance in Rosemary’s Baby.

Gino Torretta (1991-1992): Vince Vaughn. Heisman Trophy winner Gino Torretta just looked like a quarterback. Big and strong. Standing in the pocket, making every throw on the field. Vince Vaughn’s physical presence on screen, as well as his nice head of curly hair, is the closest Hollywood has come to creating an actor capable of portraying Gino Torretta.

Frank Costa (1993-1994): Vincent Piazza. No strong reason on this one besides the profoundly underrated Costa’s similarity in appearance to the guy who played Lucky Luciano on Boardwalk Empire.

Ryan Clement (1995-1997): James Van Der Beek. It may just have been the spirit of the times, but Clement’s mal du siècle emoting reminded me of the emotional peaks and valleys that Van Der Beek’s experienced on Dawson’s Creek.

Scott Covington (1998): Dolph Lundgren. Much like Ivan Drago, Covington looked invincible.

Kenny Kelly (1998-1999): Idris Elba. Kenny Kelly has those same penetrating eyes as Stringer Bell/John Luther.

Ken Dorsey (1999-2002): Robert Duvall. Ken Dorsey’s versatility and résumé can only be matched by Tom Hagen’s. or Gary Busey’s.

Brock Berlin (2003-2004): Edward G. Robinson. If you watch Miami’s 38-33 victory over Florida in 2003 on mute, it matches up perfectly with the soundtrack from Little Caesar.

Kyle Wright (2005-2007): The Guy Who Played Steve Buscemi’s Partner in Fargo. Never got a good read on this guy. A bit enigmatic. Kyle Wright’s three years at the helm in Coral Gables were not dissimilar to the long car ride that Buscemi and the speechless Scandinavian guy took in Fargo.

Jacory Harris (2008-2011): Mahershala Ali. Jacory Harris just lit up the screen during his four years at Miami, just like Remy Danton does every time he makes an appearance on House of Cards.

Stephen Morris (2012-2013): Mario Van Peebles. Stephen Morris had a quiet confidence not dissimilar to the legendary director and sometimes actor, Mario Van Peebles.

Brad Kaaya: Fred Savage (2014-Present). The Wonder Years is my favorite coming of age story. I’m a big fan of Wayne in particular. The star of the show, though, is Fred Savage. And the star of the show this Saturday night in Tallahassee will be Brad Kaaya. Much like Kevin Arnold, Brad Kaaya will become a man before our eyes. He will lead the much maligned Hurricanes to victory on the road against the 12^th ranked Seminoles.

Final Score: Miami 31, FSU 28.

- Washington State (2-2) at Oregon (3-2): Washington State wide receiver River Clyde Cracraft has the best name in college football. Both teams like to score points. Neither likes to play defense, especially the Cougars.

Final Score: Oregon 45, Washington State 38

- #4 Michigan State (5-0) at Rutgers (2-2): This group they’ve got at Rutgers now is definitely not worthy of the title "Schiano Men."

Final Score: MSU 44, Rutgers 10

- #10 Oklahoma (4-0) vs. Texas (1-4) (Cotton Bowl, Dallas): If you want to go for the best escalator ride of your life, head to the Galleria Mall in Dallas. This place is four levels high. When I’m in Dallas, I ride the escalators at the Galleria like Woody Guthrie rode the rails during the Depression.

Final Score: Oklahoma 45, Texas 17

- #13 Northwestern (5-0) at #18 Michigan (4-1): If you are looking for a hardware store in Fair Haven, Vermont, I highly recommend the Aubuchon’s Hardware on 22A next to Shaw’s. It has a great garden center. Top notch propane refilling. They’ve got wood pellets for your stoves. They can cut glass and plexiglass for you. You can rent a tiller there or a DR Trimmer-Mower or a Rug Doctor. They are open 7 days a week and have a friendly, knowledgeable staff.

Final Score: Michigan 7, Northwestern 6