Welcome back for season two of my column, "Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly."
In this column, I will select the straight up winners of all the big games every weekend, AAC or otherwise. The spread, the over-under, and all of that other jazz is way too confusing. If you want the skinny on all of that I suggest you check out Carl’s "Stone Cold Lock of the Century of the Week" video prognostication service.
Each week, I will pick all the AAC games and a smattering of other consequential ones from around the country.
Enclosed are my picks for Week one’s biggest games on Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
No. 3 Oklahoma vs. No. 15 Houston (They are Playing at the Texans’ Stadium): Greg Ward Jr. will throw for 400-plus yards in gallant defeat. This will be Oklahoma’s toughest test of the regular season, but it just has too much offensive firepower for the Cougars’ defense.
Final Score: Oklahoma 56 Houston 49
Fordham vs. Navy: If I won three wishes from a fantasy robot, they would be 1) Stephen Malkmus would let me join his fantasy hockey league 2) I win a contest from a radio station and 3) a 3 CD changer boombox.
Final Score: Navy 38 Fordham 17
Western Carolina at East Carolina: Stu was recently named the culinary director at East Carolina University. They’ve already got some good food, as I noted last season. Giving it the raw animal magnetism of Applebee’s Stu will make East Carolina University the raw foodist hotbed of the western world.
Final Score: ECU 70 WCU 22
Towson at USF: Ybor City is more overrated than Carl Sagan and Neil Degrasse Tyson combined.
Final Score: USF 34 Towson 17
San Jose State at Tulsa: Tulsa, Oklahoma. The start of the oil boom. Comely young Cherokee Lansing’s father is killed in a fistfight with some backslapping boys from the Turner Oil Company. She plans for revenge by setting her own wells with the help of two battle-tested roughnecks, hoping to put those Turner men out of business. When the money and the oil start gushing in, her desire for wealth, love and power overrides her thirst for revenge.
Final Score: San Jose State 34 Tulsa 22
SMU at North Texas: I anticipate seeing clips from this game in SMU quarterback Matt Davis and wide receiver Courtland Sutton’s draft highlight reels. I can’t wait to hear Mel Kiper and Todd McShay talking up this very exciting pair.
Final Score: SMU 44 North Texas 20
South Carolina State at UCF: UCF quarterback Justin Holman will look like Blake Bortles in this one.
Final Score: UCF 42 SC State 30
Southeast Missouri State at Memphis: Dateline: 1866. The Reno Brothers gang is using a small Indiana town as a safe haven while paying off three crooked town officials. The townspeople hire detective James Barlow, the fastest gun they’ve ever seen on this side of the Wabash, to clean up the community. Barlow poses as an outlaw to gain the gang’s confidence. That Barlow feller sets up the Reno robbery with a train robbery scheme. Barlow’s got three of his best guns locked and loaded in the caboose. The Barlow boys proceed to give every one of them Reno Brothers a Gary Cooper-style 44 caliber headache.
Final Score: Memphis 71 SE Missouri State 11
The Rest of the Country
No. 5 LSU vs. Wisconsin (Lambeau Field): A mob loan collector named Tony is dissatisfied with his station in life. He can never get ahead, no matter how many thumbs he breaks. One night, Tony’s enjoying an appletini at Applebee’s and he’s dressed up like a construction worker. Then he walks into the man of his dreams: a mob enforcer named Titus. The two of them hatch a plan. Together, they’re going to con a mob boss named Raging Roger Rouckellete out of a fortune. Then Tony and Titus can retire together to somewhere warm. This proves easier said than done.
Final Score: LSU 24 Wisconsin 0
No. 18 Georgia vs. No. 22 UNC (The Georgia Dome): Georgia is going to lay the smack down on this bunch of nobodies.
Final Score: Georgia 31 UNC 10
No. 20 USC vs. No.1 Alabama (Jerry World): Louis Gossett, Jr. returns to his role as the leader of a unique band of international war aces in this spectacular conclusion to the high-flying Iron Eagle series. Gossett and his aces team up with the beautiful and courageous Anna (Rachel McLish) to save her Peruvian village held hostage by a drug cartel that is run by a German madman (Paul Freeman).
Final Score: Alabama 39 USC 17
No. 10 Notre Dame at Texas: There seems to be a lot of confusion in South Bend right now. 1) The Quarterback controversy. 2) The half-dozen players that got arrested. 3) A third thing so that this is a list and sounds like a trend.
Charlie Strong and his Longhorns are playing for his job this year. I believe they will come out fighting against the Irish, earning a degree of revenge for the embarrassing blowout loss they suffered against Notre Dame last season.
Final Score: Texas 24 Notre Dame 21
No. 11 Ole Miss vs. No. 4 Florida State: I can’t wait to see this FSU defeat in documentary form on that Showtime series they agreed to do this season.
Final Score: Ole Miss 31 Florida State 24
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor