In this wide-ranging discussion, we talk Peanut Butter, The city of York in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, and Bill’s distaste for Ouija boards.
Clayton Trutor (CT): What cut of meat would you use to make a near-perfect Salisbury Steak?
Bill Walton Posts (BWP): Clayton, you know I do not dine on meat. I could never forgive myself if I put the flesh of a creature into my gullet. We all breathe from the same air, and I could never take a life for my own gluttony. This is a question for Dave.
CT: How many 30 for 30s have you watched and which ones are your favorites?
BWP: I have no time to spare watching screens, Clayton. I have to ride my bike. Do you have a bike? I love my bike. As long as I have my bike and a bottle of water, I can conquer the cosmos. Have you ever biked to Jupiter and stared into the bloody depths of the Great Red Spot? What a powerful experience! That my friend, that’s my favorite.
CT: Describe the most romantic game of your NBA career.
BWP: Saint Patrick’s Day, 1986. I was with the Celtics and we had just beaten the Cavaliers pretty good. Larry had a fantastic game, and the energy the entire day was incredible. Have you ever been in Boston on Saint Patrick’s Day. What a rush of energy. The whole city is embraced in the warmth of love and revelry. Being in that crowd that day made me feel. I hope you feel. Feel every day. Feel good. Feel bad. Feel humanity pump through you like lightning. That’s what that was like for me.
CT: Do you use email?
BWP: Clayton, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Did Dave put you up to this?
CT: Where would you host a bachelor party in the year 1937 if you lived in York, Pennsylvania?
BWP: I love the White Rose City. What an amazing place. Have you ever taken time to explore the Keystone State? Wow! What a place. And let me tell you something Clayton, I’d be at the York Fair. Did you know it predates the founding of these United States? There’s no other place I’d rather be. Buying fruit from a stand. Watching Miss Mary Wiggins and her Hollywood Demons.. That...that my friend is what a bachelor party should be. CONFERENCE OF CHAMPIONS.
CT: Would you rather have fingernails for hair or hair for fingernails?
BWP: Why must we choose to dispose that which we have evolved to have? Are you balding? Are you looking for ways to increase your hair? Because there are far better methods than fingernail transplantation. Have you ever seen fingernails transplanted? Let me tell you Dave, it is not a pleasant experience. You know what sounds magical? Camoflauge. Have you ever seen the blue-ringed octopus and all the cuttlefish that can change colors and light themselves up like Orion? The depths of the ocean are beautiful.
CT: Have you ever shoplifted?
CT: Describe your top 5 Ouija Board moments.
BWP: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I do not deal in the occult. I live life on this plain and experience all the beauty that it has to offer. PEANUT BUTTER FOR ALL.
CT: Do you say Mahz-da or Mazz-da?
BWP: I say love. I say that love is the most powerful tool we have to fight for the goodness of the universe and to bridge gaps across all bridges. That is how I say it. I do not know what these M words are. Are you insisting that there’s more to life than love? I don’t think I would agree with that.
CT: If you could live at Mohegan Sun or go on a $50 shopping spree at the Watertown Target, which one would you choose?
BWP: I would absolutely live with the Mohegan tribe. We should all learn from and take time with the native nations spread across this land.
Head on over to Reddit right now and check out u/BillWaltonPosts for more from the mind of the fake Bill Walton.